


to die, to sleep

by brokenstanzas



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Slice of Life, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-28 00:45:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6307102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenstanzas/pseuds/brokenstanzas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Large, bolded Times New Roman letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to die, to sleep

**to die, to sleep. ****  
** exo: kyungsoo!main/baekhyun!side. pg-13. angst. 2.5k~ words.  
\+ trigger warning: depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt. 

 

The sun’s rays reflect off of the silver blade in his right hand, casting a thin sliver of light across his hazel eyes. He’s blinded for a split second and backs away, left hand clenched into a tight fist. A grimace finds its way onto his face. It’s too bright out.

The grip Kyungsoo has on his army knife tightens, his eyelids slam shut, and the skin on his lower lip breaks as his teeth dig into them.

“Kyungsoo honey! Come help me change your cousin’s diaper, your brother’s asthma is acting up again!” His mother’s sharp voice penetrates the thin walls of his room, breaking him out of his trance.

The taste of iron rests on Kyungsoo's tongue. A slow, deep breath is taken. The knife falls. The soft thud created as it lands onto Kyungsoo's sandy carpet barely reaches his ears before his mother is screaming for him again.

“KYUNGSOO!”

 

“Hey you eating that?” Kyungsoo’s brother points at his plate and asks him the question with his mouth full, bits and pieces of food spitting out of his mouth.

Kyungsoo looks at his brother, down towards his plate, then back up at him again before shaking his head. He watches as his older brother takes a slice of bacon, then another and another. He’s not that hungry anyways.

“Ahh.” Kyungsoo’s mother makes a silly face, the edge of her lips upturned and her laugh lines deepen as she feeds Aerin. Aerin is six months old. Her mother passed away the same day Aerin took her first breath. Aerin’s father followed two days after, jumping off the Banpo Bridge downtown. Kyungsoo can still remember the news articles that appeared following his death. Large, bolded Times New Roman letters with, “The Han River’s Banpo Bridge, a Magnet for the Desperate and Distressed” spanning across the top of the page. He was just another number to the city’s statistics.

Sighing, Kyungsoo takes another peak at his mother, the dark circles below her eyes are less pronounced and the yellow tint underneath her skin has subsided. His mother was heartbroken at the loss of both her younger sister, and brother-in-law. Kyungsoo decided that he didn’t need to add to her previous heartaches just yet. Though, he’s, all she really needs now anyways. Kyungsoo scowls as his stepfather coos at how Aerin giggles and wipes mashed peas all over her own face.

“Kyungsoo honey, why aren’t you eating?” Kyungsoo’s mother stops feeding Aerin momentarily, her eyes finally on his for once. “You’re losing a lot of weight lately.”

“I just don’t have much of an appetite.” He didn’t mean to sound so indifferent. He just doesn’t like pretending. Kyungsoo attempts to take another bite of his pancakes, but they don’t sit well in his stomach. His scrambled eggs are untouched as well. Seungsoo’s asthma attacks take a lot out of him, he should eat more. Kyungsoo slides the rest of his breakfast onto his older brother’s plate and excuses himself from the table. He’s going to be late for school.

 

“Hyung didn’t come home last night. I think he got a new girlfriend or something, which is good cause Saera was fricken crazy and I didn’t like her at all...” 

Baekhyun’s raspy voice disappears into the background and blends in with the chatter of everyone else spending their lunch break outside. Kyungsoo sets his sandwich onto his thighs and lets his mind wander. Baekhyun is a great friend and all, but Kyungsoo's just not really interested in Baekbom’s love life. He’s not really interested in anything right now for that matter.

Kyungsoo hears a shrill scream with a couple more trailing the first one down below to his right. His eyes follow the sound and he sees a group of tenth grade girls sprinting away from a bee. There’s another group of students standing around the soccer field, laughing and probably telling each other stupid jokes. A couple of his classmates are pointing in his direction, he hopes they don’t tell the principal or anything. They don’t. They smile and start waving at Kyungsoo instead. They’re probably doing this out of pity. Kyungsoo looks away, eyes catching the sunlight and wincing as it cuts through him like a knife. It’s too bright out. He feels naked.

Kyungsoo diverts his attention from the commotion happening down below and focuses on the ground instead; eyes transfixed on the pavement three stories beneath his dangling feet. I could jump right now. It’d be so easy. How long would it take? Two seconds? Three seconds? Maybe even four before I reach the bottom. I could just close my eyes, fall, and let everything go.

“I mean, it’s like the middle of June, but he left his room wearing a scarf this morning. A scarf! Who does he think he’s kidding?! God, what an idiot, can you believ-” Baekhyun stops speaking mid-sentence and waves his hand in front of Kyungsoo’s blank face. “Dude, are you even listening to me? Hel-looooo?”

Baekhyun’s voice pulls Kyungsoo out of his daze and Kyungsoo begins to rub at the sides of his temple. “Sorry man, I just have a small headache, I didn’t mean to ignore you.” Kyungsoo was telling the truth. His head has been killing him lately. “I’m okay though.”

“Hmm…” Concern mars Baekhyun’s features, his brows furrowed and dark brown eyes squinting. He puts his chicken wrap down and brings his hands up to feel the temperature on Kyungsoo’s forehead. “You sure you’re okay? Now that I think about it, you look kinda pale… you’ve been losing a lot of weight too…” Baekhyun moves his hands and puts them on his hips. “Are you on some crazy diet? You know everybody’s kidding when they talk about your squishy sides right? Not everybody has to have rock hard abs.” 

Kyungsoo chuckles for the first time in a long while and shakes his head. “No, don’t worry. I just don’t have much of an appetite…I probably caught something while staying up to study last night.”

“Since when did you need to study for anything?” Baekhyun frowns and fixes Kyungsoo’s bangs, moving thick, black strands of hair away from his eyes. “Is this cause of what happened? You know you can talk to me about it right? We’re best friends. I’m here for you if you need me ya know? I just thought you were okay… It’s fine if you’re not. Things take time…” It didn’t seem to take her any time at all.

“I know, I’m fine.” Kyungsoo smiles in an attempt to reassure his friend that he’s alright. “Really.” For now.

“Okay… just, don’t bottle everything up. Summer break starts in ten days, fill that nerdy head of yours with thoughts about road trips and camping and shit. Those exams are going to be a breeze for us, I mean, what was with that practice test we had? What a joke. We’re going to be out of this hellhole in no time.” Right. 

 

Kyungsoo skips out on playing video games with his friends and walks home after school, feet dragging across the sidewalk and feeling heavier with every step that he takes. He reaches the train station in ten minutes instead of the usual five and make his way to the train platform. Kyungsoo takes a step inside and someone bumps into him on their way up the stairs. He apologizes and keeps walking, taking out his T-Money card slowly. Kyungsoo hears a quick beep and goes down the escalator. He then lumber towards the benches and waits for his train to come, shoulders sagging from the weight of his backpack. Looking down, Kyungsoo zones in and out while staring at the rails. Sometimes, he just want to disappear. If he could disappear right now, he would. It’ll be like sleeping, only he won't have to wake up and there won’t be any more nightmares to make him toss and turn at three in the morning. Kyungsoo entertains these thoughts, he contemplates and plays around with the idea of jumping in front of the next train. He wonders if he’ll be on the papers tomorrow. Large, bolded Times New Roman letters with “Student commits suicide at Myungil Station” across the top. Really, he’d just be another number to the city’s statistics.

 

Kyungsoo gets home at four thirty in the afternoon. His brother is doing his homework in the kitchen and his mother is doing the dishes. Aerin must be napping. He doesn’t announce that he’s home, his family doesn’t really do things like that. They don’t ask each other about how everybody’s days were either because that’s just meaningless small talk and Kyungsoo is fed up with anything that’s “meaningless” to be very honest. He’s already aware of how meaningless his existence is. He doesn’t need anybody else to remind him of that.

Kyungsoo puts his backpack down and takes the stairs up to his room, pictures of a laughing boy he no longer recognizes covering most of the wall's blank space. There’s another, slightly taller, and also laughing boy standing next to him in all these photos. He doesn’t recognize him either. Some pictures have been taken down while others have received the honour of being framed over the past couple of months. Aerin’s first steps were recently added to the collection. Kyungsoo keeps going, but stops dead in his steps when a new one catches his eyes. He resists the urge to hurl it down the stairs. Kyungsoo goes into his room instead, slamming the door and and closing the blinds immediately. That’s the third time this week his mother has been in his room to help him clean up. He reminds himself to tell her to leave everything alone.

 

Seungsoo is calling Kyungsoo down for dinner when he wakes up. He must have fallen asleep. Stretching, a yawn is drawn out of his mouth as the stiff joints in his body loosen up one by one. Kyungsoo still doesn’t have much of an appetite, but he goes downstairs and walks into the kitchen anyway. He sits down at his usual seat, next to his brother and in front of his mother. They made lasagna. He doesn’t think he can stomach the entire piece on his plate though.

“Jaeho noticed how skinny you’ve gotten and decided to make your favourite for dinner tonight, isn’t that thoughtful of him Kyungsoo?” Her hands are in her husband's larger ones, eyes looking into Kyungsoo's hopefully.

“Thanks.” Kyungsoo picks up a fork and takes a small bite. He promised his mom he’d try.

“How is it?” The deep baritone voice he hears is lacking the confidence it usually holds.

“Not bad.” He takes another bite and ignores the breath of relief that escapes his stepfather’s lips. Kyungsoo hopes he doesn’t take that as an approval. It’s not.

Seungsoo is helping himself to seconds before Kyungsoo has finished even half of his. Kyungsoo excuses himself from the table and returns to the confines of his room. He leaves the lights turned off and falls onto his bed. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t fall asleep this time. No, he can’t sleep with all these thoughts flooding his head. He knows that nobody actually cares. They just act like it because they’re obligated to. He knows they think he’s a spoiled brat, that he doesn’t know how to be thankful. That he never forgets anything and hold grudges. He knows they think that something’s wrong with him. His brother seems to be doing just fine, so why can’t he? It's been three years already, he needs to move on, but he can't. When Kyungsoo closes his eyes, it's his father's smiling face that he sees. He sees himself, hears his own laughter, blending in with the laughter of his father and older brother. He's sitting on his father's shoulder and laughing while his mother is voicing her worries in the background. Kyungsoo sees the happy family he misses, the family he destroyed. When Kyungsoo opens his eyes he thinks about the last words he said to his father, the anger in his voice and the shock on his father's face. A thankless spoiled brat is what Kyungsoo is. All Kyungsoo cares about is himself. He's selfish. He's annoying. He's stupid. He'll never be good enough. Kyungsoo tosses and turns, hands clutching his head and begs the voices to stop. Please.They don’t.

Kyungsoo decides to take matters into his own hands. He leaves his room and opens the door to the bathroom he shares with his brother. Behind the mirror are bottles of painkillers and medication that have been long forgotten. He takes a bottle out and pops the lid open. Kyungsoo looks into the mirror and takes in his hollowed cheeks, sunken eyes and cracked lips. He turns on the tap and washes his face with cold water. He looks like shit.

If anybody really cared, they’d try harder. He was trying. It hurt, but he still tried, so why can’t they? His teeth dig into his lips. Why the fuck doesn’t anybody understand how fucking hard it is for him to take even one breath? To talk, to eat, to walk, to go to school, to come home? The skin breaks and he taste iron. Why doesn’t anybody realize how much effort it takes for him to wake up in the morning and not throw himself down the stairs or in front of a moving car? His teeth are stained red. They don’t and they won’t ever understand because they simply don’t care.

The bottle in his hand tilts to the right and he watches as one, two, three, then ten pills fall into the palm of his hands. He keeps pouring and doesn’t stop until the entire bottle is empty. He turns the tap back on and pushes two pills past his lips. He swallows. He takes a large gulp of water and places another two onto his tongue. He swallows and repeats. This goes on until every single one of the pale blue pills in his palms have made their way down his throat. Kyungsoo pops open the lid to a different bottle and repeat the process again. Just in case.

 

Jaeho finds Kyungsoo lying on the bathroom floor and convulsing later that evening, his alabaster skin looking paler than the white tiles next to his face. Jaeho is yelling and looking for his mom, the panic in his voice evident even to Kyungsoo’s ringing ears. Tears are blurring Kyungsoo’s vision and he wonders when this will end. He wonders if he’ll be headed for heaven or hell. Thundering footsteps are heard and soon his mother is kneeling next to him, screaming for Jaeho to call 119. She lifts her son up and her tears begin to mix with Kyungsoo’s. Aerin is crying too. Kyungsoo think his brother is hyperventilating in the background. Probably hell.

 

The paper in his hands were crushed the moment he laid his eyes on them. Large, bolded Times New Roman letters with “Drunk driver kills a father of two in highway crash” were spread across the top. They disgusted Kyungsoo. 

He was just another number to the city’s statistics.


End file.
